Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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