Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
