So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
