If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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