so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
