he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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