I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
