Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
