Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pants are for mortals
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
