Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
