I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
