Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
