Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
