he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
