Four minutes until I can fart!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
