i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
