You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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