I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
