i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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