I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
