I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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