I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
