I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
