benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
