i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
