o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
