I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
