I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
