so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
