Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
