Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
