i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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