haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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