3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
