I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
