My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
