Where did you get a picture of my penis
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
