Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
