I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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