Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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