i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
