he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
