I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
