No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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