Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
