Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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