just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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