Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
