I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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