so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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