she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
